Nothing RUINS the New Year like New Vegans! Just leave it to “Veganuary” to bring out a spectacular display of New Vegan FAILS. Why do people go back to eating meat, dairy and eggs after trying veganism? Why are there so many Ex-Vegans with horror stories of nutritional deficiencies, cult-like mentalities, and exclusionary tactics? This week’s video takes a humorous look at how quickly people can abandon veganism. Have fun watching some Ex-Vegans in the making in this train wreck of a New Year’s Eve party!
Now, let’s meet the characters…
First we have the host with the most:
The Jockish One, let’s call him Lance
You may recognize him from his previous role in Sh*t People Say to Vegans. Lance is strong and wants you to know it! But deep down, he’s a ladies man, an advocate for equal women’s rights and, naturally, super into women’s wrestling.
He holds deep-seated concerns about getting adequate nutrition for building muscle and maintaining his manliness.
Then we have Daryl AKA: The Meaty One
He is your typical back-woods, home-grown, meat-lovin’ man. He also starred in Shit People Say To Vegans and the mini-skit at the end of Deadly Nutrition: The Real Dietary Killers with Dr. Michael Greger.
Now, meet Stacy, The Girly One
She’s your sweet, cute baby animal-lovin‘, selfie-taking, all american sweet heart. She, too, made appearances in the critically acclaimed comedy Shit People Say to Vegans and invaluable PSA, Deadly Nutrition.
Stacy is pumped to slim down with fresh whole foods, but concerned about packing on the pounds from all that dreaded fruit sugar!
Then there is Nancy, The Nerdish One
Don’t mistake her for a wall flower, this girl has brains and brawn. She also played a gripping role in the comedy/horror short film, How Vegans Ruin Halloween.
She doesn’t get tied up with fleeting emotions, fawning over cute little animals, romanticizing the environment or getting hung up with having perfect washboard abs, she’s all about the facts. And even though the first mention of a vegan lifestyle didn’t interest her in the slightest, she ends up being the one trying to keep the rest of her friends grounded in their resolve to make 2017 the year they go and STAY Vegan.
And lastly, but certainly never least:
The Activist One, we’ll call her Stephanie Jones-White
She is your friendly neighborhood activist here to tell you why you’re offensive and how you should do more to save the world and stuff.
Stephanie J.W is the one who inspired this whole crazy pledge to go vegan in the first place, but then pulls a 180 and takes a stance against veganism, claiming it is too restrictive, and that switching to humane, organic, non-gmo, free-range, grass-fed, local, small, indie farms is the best way to save animals, the world, and not lose your mind while your at it. Let’s see how her arguments hold up.
Now, Enjoy their jocular, witty, but mostly ridiculous banter! Be sure to watch the video at the beginning of the blog post for full ridiculousness. Or don’t…if you’re more the screenplay reader type and continue below for the script!
Read the script
All [except Daryl; Daryl is too busy eating ribs]: Ten…Nine…Eight…Seven…Six…Five…Four…Three…Two…One… Happy New Year!
[Pan to each character. Showcase Stephanie Jones-White’s (The Activist One) T-shirt that says, “SAVE THE OLD YEAR“]
[Daryl (The Meaty One) downs it all by last second then exclaims in shock]: You’re all murderers! [storms out]
Nancy (The Nerdish One): Well that was…unexpected.
3 HOURS EARLIER…
[general setting, awkward silence]
[Stephanie Jones-White (The Activist One) has “SAVE FREE SPEECH” T-shirt now]
Stacy (The Girlie One): So…thanks for hosting the party. I don’t think I’ve ever seen your place before.
Lance (The Jockish One): Yeah, I don’t entertain much, and don’t usually go all the way out with holiday decorations, but thought I’d challenge myself this year so…. [indicating “ Happy New Year” on whiteboard]
[general forced enthusiasm throughout]
Stacy: Hey you guys. So, I was thinking…what if we did like a group New Years resolution? Wouldn’t that be fun?
[general mumbles from the group, Daryl keeps eating]
Nancy: Well, it depends on what you are proposing that we do.
[agreements from all]
Stacy: Well, I was thinking we could all get in on…
Stephanie Jones-White [T-shirt now says “SAVE THE WHOLE WORLD” ]: Well, I have an idea that would make a huge impact on the whole world.
Lance: Here it comes…the newest “ cause of the week,” am I right? [holds hi-five, Daryl ignores, Nancy considers and gives side-nod, Stacy gives come-hither or something, Lance confused, then considers, gives side-nod]
Stephanie Jones-White [T-shirt now says “SAVE MY CREDIBILITY” ]: C’mon, this is serious. Like life-changing, life-saving serious. What if…we all…go vegan!?
[Daryl shocked/spits out mouthful of ribs]
Lance: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what now?
Stephanie Jones-White: [T-shirt now says “SAVE THE ANIMALS” ]: Okay, hear me out. [Slow-mo of her explaining with cuts of T-shirt now saying “SAVE YOUR HEALTH (& junk)” ]::…Prevent obesity and erectile dysfunction
[gets Lance’s attention]
Stephanie J.W [T-shirt now says “SAVE THE PLANET” ]:: …of deforestation and water usage . There are totally scientific studies with charts and statistics and graphs and Footnotes!
[gets Nancy’s attention]
Stephanie J.W [T-shirt now says “SAVE THE BABY ANIMALS” ]:..and think of the baby animals ! Look, a teacup pig in rain boots!
[gets Stacy’s attention]
2 HOURS LATER…
Lance: ALRIGHT ALREADY, WE’LL DO IT!!!
1 HOUR LATER…
(Flash back) All [except Daryl; Stephanie J.W has “SAVE THE OLD YEAR” ]:Three…Two…One… Happy New Year! [Daryl downs it all by last second then exclaims in shock]: You’re all murderers! [storms out]
Lance [picks up weight and does curl]: I knew it! I’m definitely weaker. [flexes] And I’ve lost muscle mass ! I’m out.
Stacy: Well I’m excited about getting back into shape . With fresh, whole foods! [Takes one bite of banana]: I’m fat.
Nancy: Ugh, you guys are so selfish! That’s why you have to be in it for something more than yourself! When you think about the animals and the environment…
Stephanie J.W:…going vegan is easy! And because I also care about my health, I’m going fully raw, fully organic vegan with a one-month transition period to an exclusive diet of wheatgrass juice and coffee enemas! [has a plate of Brussels sprouts, takes a bite, tries to soldier through, is grossed out, spits it out] Ugh! I can’t eat this way. It’s too restrictive! And who can afford daily coffee enemas anyways? Veganism is just another form of oppression!
Nancy: [shakes her head, condescending] You poor little &#@$%.
Stephanie J.W: Not cool.
Nancy:…This is why I always say that coming to a decision based on facts and logic is the only way to stay grounded and follow through with your convictions. That’s why I’ve outlasted all of you. I didn’t go vegan for health because “ vegan” only described what you’re not eating, so you can still be incredibly unhealthy.
Lance: Oh god! My body’s already out of b12 !
Nancy: Plus…
Lance: I look pale , don’t I look pale?
Nancy:… there’s the tendency with any change…
Lance: Definitely iron -deficient.
Nancy: to start self-diagnosing…
Lance: I think it’s my blood type. I’m so tired.
Nancy:….and I didn’t tie my decision to pure emotion for the animals or romanticism for the environment, because feelings are in constant fluctuation…
Stacy: O. M. G.! Those little pigs get FAT!!!
Nancy: Nor did I rely on selective morality or subjective ethics because that’s a slippery slope.
Stephanie J.W [looking something up on phone, T-shirt now says “SAVE SMALL FARMS” ]: I found a local farmers market – you see, that’s what we need to do, you guys! Support small farmers, not faceless vegan corporations! Get back to the land and the way we used to treat animals! When we knew every one of them by name, and they trusted us right up till slaughter .
Nancy: [eye roll] So…I’ve taken an objective look at the available data, watched a few speeches …and find the environmental, health and ethical arguments compelling and completely in line with not only the values espoused by the vast majority of our species, including the touchy ethical area of justice, and potentially emotional instinct to protection of the innocent, but also logically sound, even after correcting for manipulated, partial or outdated data, and blatant falsehoods. Veganism remains the sensible, rational choice.
[Stephanie J.W‘s shirt now says SAVE LOCAL SMALL ORGANIC FAMILY-RUN FARMS]
[everyone blank stares]
[Nancy starts getting hit with wadded up paper balls, a stuffed monkey and finally a saucy spare-rib]
All [except Nancy]: boo, nerd alert, lame, not funny! etc” with last being:]
Stephanie J.W [Now “SAVE THE SPEECH, PLEASE” ]: You suck!
Stephanie J.W: Hey guys, how you can tell if someone at the party is vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you!
Nancy: This was your idea
Stephanie J.W: [T-shirt now says “SAVE SAVING” ]: Stop co-opting my activism!
Nancy: What?
Stephanie J.W [T-shirt now says “SAVE FERRIS” ]: What?
Nancy: What?
Stephanie J.W [T-shirt now says “SAVE THE DATE” ; wearing “veil” ]: What?
Nancy: What?
Stephanie J.W [T-shirt now says “15 MIN COULD SAVE YOU 15% OR MORE” ]: What?
Nancy: What?
Stephanie J.W [T-shirt now says “SAVE GARRETT” ]: What?
Nancy: Wh—Wait, We already saved him.
Stephanie J.W: Did we?
Nancy: What?
Stephanie J.W: [T-shirt now says “SAVE ME (THE SHIRT IS ALIVE)” , points to it]: What?
Nancy: Wh—Forget it, I’m out.
Stephanie J.W [T-shirt now says “SAVE YOURSELF” ]: That’s probably best.
THE END
Hope you enjoyed the skit. SHARE on all platforms to help others go and STAY vegan!
HAPPY 2017!
— Emily Moran Barwick
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